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Joke of the DayDaffynition: Minnesota—A small can of Coke.
Submitted by Zachary B., Lehi, Utah
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A man comes into a hardware store and says to the salesman, “I would like a trap, and please hurry. I have to catch a bus.”
The salesman says, “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t make them that big.”
Submitted by Cecilia G., Lancaster, Calif.
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Tom Swiftie: “There’s a storm coming!” Tom thundered.
Submitted by Sean W., Waldorf, Md.
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Lance: What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
Luke: Dunno. What?
Lance: A trans-farmer!
Submitted by Tristan N., Kennesaw, Ga.
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A book never written: “Spackling” by Phil McCracken.
Submitted by Daniel M., Jacobus, Pa
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Ian: What is the best way to carve wood?
Jim: What?
Ian: Whittle by whittle!
Submitted by Cameron R., Tallahassee, Fla.
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Warped Wiseman wonders: “How fast does a zebra have to run to look gray?”
Submitted by Zachary T., Phillipsburg, N.J.
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Bob: What do you get when you cross a pair of trousers with a dictionary?
Tom: I don’t know. What?
Bob: Smarty pants!
Submitted by Adam P., Wichita, Kan.
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Tom Swiftie: “Get that dog off my lawn,” Tom barked.
Submitted by Justin F., Canton, Conn.
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Bob: What do you call two banana peels?
George: I don’t know. What?
Bob: A pair of slippers!
Submitted by Joel R., American Fork, Utah
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Keith: What do you call a large, pastryeating snake?
Dan: A “pie-thon”!
Submitted by Maxwell C., Nolensville, Tenn.
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Daffynition: Hedgehog—An animal that hoards all the bushes.
Submitted by Michael M., Chester, N.Y.
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Steve: Why did the bacon laugh?
Drake: No idea. Why?
Steve: Because the egg cracked a yolk!
Submitted by Steve D., Bozeman, Mont.
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Drew: What do you get when you mix a CD and a pillow?
Chad: Beats me.
Drew: Software.
Submitted by Clark D., Evans, Ga.
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Daffynition: Hedgehog—An animal that hoards all the bushes.
Submitted by Michael M., Chester, N.Y.
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A book never written: “Fall Activities” by Ray King.
Submitted by Ben S., Greentown, Ind.
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Jaime: Did you hear about the fire at the shoe store?
Cody: No. What happened?
Jaime: More than 100 soles were lost.
Submitted by Matthew S., Boca Raton, Fla.
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Tom Swiftie: “Don’t rush me!” Tom said hastily.
Submitted by Dave W., Dalhart, Tex.
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Jim: I just got a watch for my sister.
Joe: I wish I could make a trade like that!
Submitted by Bryan D., Taylorsville, Utah
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Mike: Why did Mickey go to outer space?
Alex: Why?
Mike: He wanted to find Pluto.
Submitted by Olga B., Katy, Tex.
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Tom: Why was the belt arrested?
Phil: Why?
Tom: It was holding up the pants.
Submitted by Ben M., Falls Church, Va.
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A book never written: “The Complete Book of Contradicting Phrases” by Aux E. Moron.
Submitted by Chris K., Grove City, Pa.
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Reid: What do you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
Brian: I don’t know.
Reid: Jurassic pork!
Submitted by Micah C., Purlear, N.C.
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Daffynition: Etcetera—A word people use to make others think they know more than they do.
Submitted by Patrick G., Monrovia, Md.
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Robbie: My mom treats me like an idol.
Carl: How’s that?
Robbie: She feeds me burnt offerings at meals!
Submitted by Brandon R., Glen Alpine, N.C.
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A book never written: “Digging a Grave” by Westin Piece.
Submitted by Joel N., San Luis Obispo, Calif.
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Jake: What is a werewolf’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Nathan: What?
Jake: A pack meeting!
Submitted by Andrew T., Thousand Oaks, Calif.
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A book never written: “Floating on the River” by Mrs. Ippy.
Submitted by Ben S., Greentown, Ind.
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Cole: Doctor! Doctor! Whenever I drink juice, I get a pain in my eye!
Doctor: Well, try taking the straw out of the glass.
Submitted by Bill C., Honolulu, Hawaii
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Jenny: What’s the first thing Mr. Spider did after buying his computer?
Ethan: Dunno.
Jenny: He got on the Web!
Submitted by Jeremy D., Toledo, OH
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A book never written: “What’s Underground? ” by Roxanne Gravel.
Submitted by Sailesh K., Bernardsville, N.J.
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Bill: How do you preserve stringed instruments?
Ted: No clue.
Bill: Cello-phane!
Submitted by Sam K., San Jose, Calif.
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A book never written: “How to Hang Drapes” by Curt N. Rod.
Submitted by Myles N., Spring, Tex.
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Kevin: Knock, knock.
Jason: Who’s there?
Kevin: Adore.
Jason: Adore, who?
Kevin: Adore is between us!
Submitted by Joseph M., Blountville, Tenn.
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Elephant: Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Hippo: I give up.
Elephant: Because their kids have to play inside!
Submitted by Jake P., Omaha, Neb.
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Warped Wiseman wonders: “Why do we eat spring rolls year-round?”
Submitted by Kayden P., Odessa, Tex.
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A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said, “Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said: “Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said, “Aye, a bird came by and left droppings in me eye.”
The sailor said, “That’s not as impressive as the other two. …”
“Aye,” the pirate answered. “It was me first day with the hook.”
Submitted by Gregory W., Newark, N.Y.
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A book never written: “Poisonous Snakes” by Ven O. Muss.
Submitted by L.J. R., Coppell, Tex.
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Joe: What was the astronaut doing on the computer?
Billy: I don’t know. What?
Joe: Looking for the space bar!
Submitted by Aaron Koons, Williamsport, Md.
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A book never written: “How to Hang Drapes” by Curt N. Rod.
Submitted by Myles N., Spring, Tex.
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Tony: What did the sea say to the iceberg?
Wade: Nothing. It just waved.
Submitted by Michael S., Westminster, S.C.
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Dave: What did the polite skydiver say when his pack didn’t open?
Andrew: What?
Dave: “Chute!”
Submitted by Hemanth P., Guilderland, N.Y.
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A book never written: “The Complete Guide to Origami” by Fole Dover.
Submitted by Ben P., Arlington, Va.
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Dink: How did the starfish pay for his lunch?
Duff: Tell me.
Dink: With sand dollars!
Submitted by Evan G., Bend, Ore.
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Tom Swiftie: “Oil prices sure are high,” Tom said crudely.
Submitted by Drew B., Elkhart, Ind.
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Pedro: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
Pee Wee: What?
Pedro: Swimming trunks!
Submitted by Jake P., Omaha, Neb.
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A book never written: “Cooking on the Trail” by Chuck Wagon.
Submitted by Bradley W., Sherburne, N.Y.
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Warped Wiseman wonders: “Why do we use a classified ad if we want everyone to know what we’re selling?”
Submitted by Robert H., Harris, Minn.
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Daffynition: Out of bounds—An exhausted kangaroo.
Submitted by Maria W., Juneau, Alaska
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Randel: Where are pencils made?
Ethan: No clue.
Randel: Pencil-vania!
Submitted by Jeff E., Collierville, Tenn.
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Daffynition: Deport—Where you tie up de boat.
Submitted by Cory H., Mount Wolf, Pa.
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One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose.
“Whoa, what happened, Carl?” Max asked.
“I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.
“What?” Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”
Carl replied, “There was in this one!”
Submitted by Charlie H., Homer Glen, Ill.
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Ben: Where does sour cream come from?
Ian: Beats me.
Ben: Discontented cows!
Submitted by Keith K., Portsmouth, Va.
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Brandon: Which ghost is the best dancer?
Nolan: I don’t know.
Brandon: The Boogie Man!
Submitted by Chris S., Centennial, Colo.
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A book never written: “Classic Cars” by Ford T. Byrd.
Submitted by Grant L., Kingsport, Tenn.
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Andy: What species of animal has the most money?
Nick: I don’t know.
Andy: Deer, because they have the most doe.
Submitted by Andy W., Prior Lake, Minn.
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A book never written: “Medieval Devices” by Cat A. Pult.
Submitted by J.R. R., Dearborn, Mich.
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Matt: Knock, knock.
Jake: Who’s there?
Matt: Kitten.
Jake: Kitten, who?
Matt: Quit kitten around and open the door!
Submitted by Joshua P., Brighton, Mich.
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Tom Swiftie: “I’m moving to the back of the boat,” Tom said sternly.
Submitted by John G., Goldens Bridge, N.Y.
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Cleopatra: What do you call a Roman boa constrictor?
Mark Antony: “Julius Squeezer!”
Submitted by Brandon R., Glen Alpine, N.C.
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Donny: Why is a pig in the living room like a house on fire?
Joey: I don’t know, why?
Donny: Because the sooner it’s put out, the better.
Submitted by Jonathan K., Welling, Okla.
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A book never written: “How to Make a Fire Glow” by M. Burr.
Submitted by Seavy O., Crawford, Ga.
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Jake: What do you call a dinosaur with high heels?
Drake: What?
Jake: “My-feet-are-saurus!”
Submitted by Jake P., Omaha, Neb.
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A book never written: “Filthy Rich” by M.T. Wallet.
Submitted by Will T., Coppell, Tex.
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Warped Wiseman wonders: “Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”
Submitted by Shyam A., Arcadia, Calif.
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Bob: Why did the man freeze his money?
Bill: I don’t know.
Bob: He wanted cold, hard cash.
Submitted by Thomas H., Annapolis, Md.
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Josh: What do snobby vegetables do when they see people?
Bill: I give up.
Josh: They “turnip” their noses!
Submitted by George I., Bayonne, N.J.
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A book never written: “How to Handle Mad Scientists” by Frank N. Stein.
Submitted by Taylor E., Minneapolis, Minn.
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Pedro: Why did the thermostat go to college?
Boss: I don’t know.
Pedro: To get a higher degree.
Submitted by Patrick G., Monrovia, Md.
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A book never written: “Echo” by Ira Pete.
Submitted by Kathleen S., White Plains, N.Y.
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Peter: What do you get when you cross a pair of underwear with a reporter?
Elaine: I don’t know. What?
Peter: News briefs.
Submitted by Brandon R., Glen Alpine, N.C.
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Warped Wiseman wonders: “Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”
Submitted by Shyam A., Arcadia, Calif.
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A book never written: “How to Fix a Leaky Ceiling” by Rufus Lee King.
Submitted by T.J. V., Poughkeepsie, N.Y.
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Brad: How do you keep a bull from charging?
Robert: How?
Brad: Take away its credit card!
Submitted by Kyle C., Brooklyn Center, Minn.
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Jeremy: Why was the boy bored of satellite radio?
Todd: I have no idea.
Jeremy: It was too Sirius.
Submitted by Gabriel M., Labadie, Mo.
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Tom Swiftie: “I like catsup,” Tom mustered.
Submitted by Travis H., Olathe, Kan
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Jim: What happened to the frog’s car?
Frank: Beats me.
Jim: It got toad.
Submitted by Daniel S., Easton, Pa.
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Daffynition: Denial—De river in Egypt.
Submitted by Nellie T., Elkton, Va.
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Jerry: What did the alien say to the rosebush?
Chris: What?
Jerry: “Take me to your weeder!”
Submitted by Nick C., Windsor, Conn.
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A book never written: “Getting Over Nervousness” by Clam E. Hands.
Submitted by Daniel Mahlkuch, Juda, Wis. -
John: What do you get when you cross a frog and a bottle of soda?
Jack: I don’t know.
John: Croak-a-cola!
Submitted by Dean H., Lakewood, Colo.
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A book never written: “Fresh Bait” by Earl E. Worms.
Submitted by Luke K., Penfield, N.Y.
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Stew: Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher they fired last week?
Lou: No, tell me.
Stew: She couldn’t control her pupils!
Submitted by Zachary A., Arlington, Tex.
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Tom Swiftie: “I need a pencil sharpener,” Tom said bluntly.
Submitted by Nollan C., Brush Prairie, Wash.
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Rick: Did anyone laugh when you fell on the ice?
Sonja: No, but the ice made some awful cracks.
Submitted by Brandon R., Glen Alpine, N.C.
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A book never written: “Swimming the English Channel” by Frances Neer.
Submitted by Benjamin T., Canton, Ga.
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Buddy: What has ears but can’t hear?
Toby: What?
Buddy: A cornfield!
Submitted by Michael L., Perry, Ohio
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A book never written: “Save the Trees” by Tim Burr.
Submitted by Eric W., Cleveland, Ohio
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Shanye: Why wasn’t Noah a good card player?
Renee: I haven’t the faintest idea.
Shanye: Because he only had two of a kind!
Submitted by Shane R., Walla Walla, Wash.
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Tom Swiftie: “Don’t push that button,” Tom exploded.
Submitted by Reagan B., Konawa, Okla.
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Derek: Why is Camp Calamine a Scout favorite?
Kurt: Beats me.
Derek: It has a rash of activities!
Submitted by Jacob P., Perry, Ohio
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A book never written: “I’m Rich!” by Emily N. Daulers.
Submitted by Daniel N., Tomball, Tex.
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Peter: What happened to the two comedians who got married?
Scott: I don’t know.
Peter: They lived happily ever “laughter!”
Submitted by Gabriel D., Perry, Ohio
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A book never written: “Guide to Being a Good Police Officer” by Iris Tew.
Submitted by Joshua S., Redmond, Wash.
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Mike: Why don’t mummies go on vacation?
Hank: I don’t know.
Mike: They’re afraid to relax and unwind!
Submitted by Keith Kangas,, Portsmouth, Va.
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A book never written: “Cooking With Spices” by Rose Mary.
Submitted by Everett C., Kailua, Hawaii
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Josh: Why did the king go to the dentist?
Scott: Beats me.
Josh: To get his teeth crowned!
Submitted by Matthew F., Havre de Grace, Md.
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Duff: What did the leopard say after a big meal?
Dink: What?
Duff: “That sure hits the spots!”
Submitted by Benjamin T., Canton, Ga.
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Daffynition: Lollygag—To choke on a sucker.
Submitted by Jeff E., Collierville, Tenn.
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A bear walks into a restaurant.
The waiter asks him what he would like.
The bear says, “A steak … and a salad.”
The waiter says, “Why the big paws?”
Submitted by Carl H., Wayzata, Minn.
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A book never written: “How to Talk Louder” by Meg A. Fone.
Submitted by Mark W., St. Croix Falls, Wis.
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