Tales From the Campfire
Episode 1: The Bottomless Cathole
Series premiere; 4/15/18; BLTV; Rated TV-PG (Actual bathroom humor, bad puns, talking cats); Starring Beith and those other guys
Did you hear about the time Beith dug a cathole all the way through the Earth? It was glorious, and he met Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Luckily, his friends taught him a very valuable lesson about the right way to poop in the woods.
Welcome to Tales From the Campfire
Literally every campfire tale in history has featured these three things: sushi pizza, time-traveling presidents and a talking spacecat.
Wait, your campfire doesn’t? Then you’re in for a treat, kid.
Wait, you don’t like being called kid? Then you’re in for a treat, human.
Wait, you aren’t a human? Then you’re in for a treat, carbon-based life form.
What were we saying? Oh, yeah. Campfires.
We hope you enjoy the latest episode of Tales From the Campfire, brought to you by your friends at Pepper Packet Pizza. Pepper Packet Pizza: We don’t guarantee it’s warm, but we guarantee it’s pizza™.
Meet Your New Best Friends
We sat down with the cast of “Tales From the Campfire” to ask them some of life’s most important questions.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Probably Keith. I think that’s what my parents meant to write down on my birth certificate, but my dad sneezed with pen in hand, and Beith was born. Well, I was born a few hours before that, but yeah. You get what I mean.
What’s your major going to be? I’m going to a technical college to learn how to weld. Welding is one of the hottest careers around, offering an amazing variety of high-paying jobs for those willing to put in the time. The field continues to grow, and skilled workers are very much in demand. For more information, just google “welding jobs” on Google.
What’s your favorite number and why? Four, because it spells “ruof” backward, and that reminds me of my pet goldfish Rufus Bartholomew III. We called him Ruof for short. RIP, Ruof. 2017 to 2017.
What’s your greatest fear? Easy: gluefoot. That’s where both my feet randomly turn into glue sticks, and I have to continually twist my legs to walk around.
Your voice has a particular Southern twang. Are you from the South? I don’t understand why people keep saying that — I just don’t hear it. I was born in Canada, actually.
What is your favorite word? It’d probably be bumfuzzle. You know, as in “I’m plum bumfuzzled over this puzzle.” I’m pretty sure it means “confused.”
Fortnite or nah? Are you joking? Duh. FORTNITE!
If you could be any type of arachnid, which would you be? Uh, a spider … I guess. Wait, are we talking about “arachnid” the country or the animal?
Who is your favorite superhero? I’d have to say the Hulk. We’re both really strong, and I turn green when I eat too much of Scoutmaster Bruce’s cooking.
What’s your favorite piece of camping gear? My water bottle, because human beings need water to survive, and I am a human being.
If you could collaborate with one actor, who would it be? I’ve always tried to model my acting technique after the actor who portrayed the dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movies. He was so good that you couldn’t even tell those weren’t real dinosaurs.
Rapid-fire round. Tell us the first word that comes to your mind when you hear the following:
• Pizza: Delivery
• Space: Bar
• Grapes: Of wrath
• The Speed of Sound: 1,125 feet per second
What’s your biggest regret? When I was 3, my mom said I had a face for film. I should have known then I was destined to be the lead in my own show (don’t let Beith fool you — I’m the real star power in “Tales From the Campfire”). Now, at the late age of 17, I’m just getting my first starring role. To think, I could have been at this for 14 years already … ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
What’s the first quote that comes to your mind? “It is better to receive than to give.” That motto has never steered me wrong and really pays off on Christmas.
Biggest pet peeve? I do not like the way Fuzz pronounces his T’s. You’ll see what I mean.
What’s your favorite sound or noise? So, this is actually an interesting question. I was bred in Manchester (England, for you Yankees), raised on the works of old European standbys: Shakespeare, Voltaire, John Milton. And I’d be remiss to not mention the great satirist Charles Churchill and his contemporary, the grammarian Ann Fisher. It was in those mighty tomes that I discovered the risps and wraps and other building blocks of the English language as we know it. Sounds and noises in which the grandest of all smiles and salutations are formed. With that, many words come to mind as the premier in our fickle language, but only one stands out as my particular favorite: Meow.